Before I answer this or any romantic relationship questions, it’s very important to remind you that I am a terrible source on romance. It is almost always a case of “take my advice, I’m not using it,” if it’s solid advice, which it may not be!

I have a handy shorthand to relay my romantic history to the uninitiated and it is:

Frying pan, fire, frying pan, done.

Consider yourself properly warned as we continue!

Infatuation feels really important, but is it? Just like a terrible smell can drive you out of a building, infatuation can drive you in unexpected directions. It is powerful and primitive and if you’re not sure if you’ve ever felt it, you have not.

That’s okay! You don’t have to feel it! Imagine if you were wandering around depressed that you had never discovered a volcano. What a drag to think that everyone except you is discovering volcanoes and having volcano-related parties and you are just languishing on solid ground with nothing to do but wait for the miraculous ball of fire to rise in the sky again and again.

Huh. It’s fine, really. Nobody has to experience everything.

One thing that people try to deny about infatuation is the brevity of it. It can’t last and it doesn’t. There may be sparks from time to time, but that’s all. How sad that it can’t hang around, that the spell is always going to be broken!

I think people hold a secret conviction that infatuation should stick around, so they pretend it does in order to feel less inadequate. It’s okay! It happens every time. It’s not your fault, but the lying is. The lying is totally your fault.

This infatuation letdown also explains the drive for serial monogamy. We think we can find exactly the right person to keep us floating just above where we are standing. Um. No. The infatuation is a thing your own brain is doing. Relying on some other person or some tropical beach to give you the feeling is a whole ‘nother bunch of bananas.

The extra super tricky part: it is so complicated that you cannot predict what will set off your infatuation alarm. The timing and circumstances can be excruciatingly unlucky and inappropriate. Congratulations are in order, however, because you now understand the basis of all comedy and tragedy. Bravo!

I think a huge part of growing up is understanding while messages from your gonads feel terribly urgent and important, they are neither. Those urgent and important feelings are usually your invitation to bad decisions.

Maybe think of infatuation as an unwelcome rooster. If some person ruffles your feathers in their irresistible breeze, keep in mind that you could be flapping toward temporary insanity. Maybe just sit very still on your eggs and give it some time to pass. Luckily, roosters have a short attention span.

If you are willing to take a huge risk with your life, why would you bet on someone else? You see all manner of good things in them at first glance? No, you are probably high. The only way to discover the true qualities of another person is lots of time and observation. No, the internet quiz is not doing it for you.

There is a lot of shame and deceit out there circling infatuated shenanigans. Maybe you think you know a couple who recklessly upended two lives to live happily ever after in Iceland. You do not. That’s someone’s fantasy pretending oh-so hard to be real. Once you live long enough, you will know dozens of people who recklessly upended their lives and learned some hard lessons. They will have suffered terribly and the main lesson they learned is not to upend their lives for the sake of their ovaries. Or something along those lines.

It’s not really bad news, you know. You can fall in love carefully and have a grand time. It may even come to pass that the rooster of infatuation has chosen well for you and your admiration is well placed in your new beloved. Maybe they aren’t a fraud or a clown! Maybe they truly want the best for you in all things!

If they want you to burn down your house and move to Iceland, that is a bad sign. If they demand any gesture of fealty, I would say caution is calling. Best case, they are insecure and worst case they are warming you up for their cult.

Really, just take your time and listen to your loved ones who are not in the throes of gonad madness. You can do this, slowly.


Update: Don’t Eat Your Children is still not ready for publication. This is the year, really.

No updates: The Newsletter is going to have news eventually. You want to miss it?

adult black and tan smooth chihuahua

Yes, we have no chihuahuas

Boo is so bored, I am considering getting her a dog to help her practice pretending she’s a dog more effectively. Really, it’s a terrible idea in every way. Probably.


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