Toilet Paper Alternatives, Part seven of Home Coping

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Recently, I have read and heard many, many lighthearted explanations of the toilet paper shortage, but somehow I am still not amused. Even with a tiny bit of preparation here, we nearly ran out early on, and I was appalled at how upset I was about it. Like many people I had to shift from blaming hoarders to understanding the weird economy of the bathroom tissue industry. This only made me more angry–I do not want to have to understand how the paper’s made.

I was also irrationally upset to hear a journalist questioning people in line for emergency alternative one-ply. They said they had no back-up plan. It was toilet paper or bust.

Ridiculous. Not to be completely haughty and superior, but I was already working on Plan Bidet weeks ago. You may think that a bidet requires plumbing and/or expensive equipment, but no! You only need to get to know your butt a little better.

Look, I’m sorry. Those of you who have been reading me for awhile know that I will occasionally get scatological, like the toilet fainters factoid. Sometimes only raw, human story telling will do, but I promise not to be extraneously disgusting. This stuff is important for your butt and for the planet, probably in that order.

For $23, I was able to score a bidet bottle and it arrived two weeks later, so I had time to completely forget about it. The price might seem a little steep, but you get a lot of value in the package. You get the bottle, a vaguely medical-looking drawstring bag to tote it in, amusing illustrations, along with claims that it is great to use for travel or “just around town.”

It is not an ordinary bottle, mind you. It is engineered to allow you to create a warm water fountain for your butt. With just a little dexterity, you can learn to use it without hosing down your entire vicinity, although I must admit that one-handed operation defeated me.

For this particular bidet adventure, you either need two hands or a very good friend.

You know what really burns my ass? Flames this high!

There is a stern warning not to use hot water, and I’ll repeat that here, with extra sternness. Burning your butt would likely be akin to recovering from childbirth, so just don’t do that. There’s no benefit whatsoever. Seriously.

So for all the cute bits about Americans and their silly reliance on toilet paper there are a handful of bits about why we believe that bidets are not okay. My theory is simple: people will not use a bidet because they haven’t tried a bidet. (Note: there is some shouting on the video. Most NSFW warnings are moot right now, however, so never mind. That would be NSFWnm).

There are toilet attachment options, which pull clean water in and don’t cost as much as a new toilet, but be advised, that’s some cold, cold water. It might be refreshing, but, just no. If you have access to warm water, treat yourself! If you really want to splurge, make sure you have a blow-dryer handy too.

This is likely the definition of TMI, but there you have it and you can’t go back to not knowing what a bidet is and why you should get acquainted with them.

Your butt is, as always, your business. But I must ask you and your butt: what else do you clean up by merely rubbing paper on it?


If you find my blather pleasant to read, there is more of it in my books! You can buy the first one now and get updates on the second one via my very infrequent newsletter. She is going to be ready for pre-order any minute!!

Mom is Broke

Is it possible that if you send a dollar to yermom she will buy something stupid with it? ALWAYS. That should never be a reason not to give a little something back. Is rent stupid? MAYBE!!



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