How about a puppy? I need a puppy!

I know you think you need a puppy, but you are confused about needing and wanting again.

It’s okay. That’s why I’m here to say, “No,” and “No, you do not need a puppy.”

You can’t remember the puppy we had before you were born, but she was a disaster and she was a GOOD puppy. She chewed cherished furniture, ate stuffed animals out of boredom. She barked at every visitor expecting them to be burglars even after they had been in the house for an hour without burgling a thing.

I encourage you to enjoy some virtual puppies,instead. They are so perfect, they don’t even smell!!

Like this one.

That’s the “I’m sorry I barfed” face. I’m pretty sure.

If you still can’t get enough puppy time through the usual friends and neighbors channels, why don’t you volunteer at the shelter?

No? Too many old dogs there?

That’s because puppies are temporary and old dogs are much less temporary.

Let’s start with a plant. If you can keep a plant alive for two months, then we will discuss a fish.

You’ll have to work your way through the food chain, just like your sisters did.

Dogs come after snakes, but so do falcons. Wouldn’t you rather have a falcon?