What if we are all lesbians?

I have told you before, I don’t care who you bring home as long as they bear as little resemblance as possible to Adam Sandler.

Your aunt thinks that Sandler had redeemed himself with a few movies, but I say no. Those movies merely endured his Sandlerness and triumphed in spite of it. They would have been so much better with Jason Bateman. Don’t even try to argue with me on this–you will only embarrass yourself.

Is this an antisemitic thing? Not at all!! It’s an anti-oaf-with-baby-talk thing.

I also harbor this depth of distaste for Chris Elliot, so this might help you understand the problem. Consider for only a moment a venn diagram of where these two intersect. Do not linger on this thought, however. I don’t want you to get queasy.

Here’s a simple checklist for your mate disqualification:

• Does this person have an abnormally big face?
• Does this person have an overdeveloped ability to make people uncomfortable?
• Has this person starred in a movie with “Boy” in the title?
• Does this person have the ability to make their chin disappear while making their eyes bulge right at you?
• Does their speaking voice cause birds to commit suicide?
• When walking with them do strangers stop you and ask, “Why?”

If you answer “yes” to more than one of these, RUN!!

Also not this guy. He clearly has no regard for his future reputation as a fun-loving guy in clothes.