How can I tell if I’ve had a brain injury?

Here I was worried you’d never ask.

If you play high school football, you are going to get hurt.  If you need me to repeat that, you may have a concussion.  If you suddenly hear people telling you that you should consider a career in telephone customer service, you may have a concussion.

I’ll repeat it anyway: if you play football, you are going to get hurt.  Probably a knee, but possibly even your indestructible bits that you completely take for granted.  The good news is that player size isn’t the signal characteristic, so much as the position that the player plays, player.

You may think that 50% injury rate isn’t bad, but think about coin tosses.  Nobody wins every single coin toss. Except your sister.  She’s probably going to need that luck for something else, anyhow.  If you keep tossing, you are going to get hurt.

Now that that is thoroughly established, to my satisfaction at least, let’s talk about brain damage.  A concussion is essentially the rattling of your brain in your skull.  Even if you get a mild one, you’ll need to avoid getting a second or third one because they can be more than doubly bad.

Actually, I was a little worried that you already had one this week, but your stunning ability to perfectly recall any stupid statement I have ever made put those worries to rest.

Other signs that you’ve side lined your synapses include passing out, headache, confusion, nausea, vision problems and waking up next to a flipped tractor.

Next time I need to test your mental function, just shout, “AH CAN HAS SHRIMP!!”  Okay? Okay!!