askyermom

I spent years of effort just trying to get some time alone. I pined to have a long shower without tiny fists pounding on the door or the tub or on my shins.

Not thinking I was introverted, I believed I was weird. Other people were always squinting at me, asking me what I meant. At times it felt like I was missing a translation, some flimsy filter to shape my words into recognizable bites. Being understood by other people was work I wasn’t always willing to do.

That’s a great attitude for a hermit, but not for the typical non-hermit.

Reflexively, I avoid spending time with people when I have the option. I ride alone instead of offering rides. My first impulse when I am invited anywhere is to lob back an excuse, I don’t drive after dark, I don’t drive in the daylight, I don’t do fun.

The habit to protect my solitude is so strong I didn’t even see it there.

Now, I have tons of solitude and mostly it’s pleasant. I get along with me.

I make appointments with myself and I enjoy accepting them. So, maybe I am a little weird, but it is so nice to settle in with my own company. I have missed myself.

When I have the reflexive thought that I don’t have to tidy up for anyone, I remember I am anyone and I can be someone if I need someone. It feels like the healthiest self regard. I can go to a little trouble to impress myself. I’m worth it.

The only psychological problem with solitude in my notice is the lack of friction. If we agree with ourselves all the time, we are going to get into trouble. A spiral can seem like growth until it flattens out and we are only going in circles. We have to stay alert, and no one is as alert as a different person who wants to tell you what you’re doing wrong.

The biggest practical disadvantage to solitude: it becomes impossible to buy the correct number of bananas.

Even with too many bananas, the more I trust myself to take care of myself, the more I trust myself to handle other people and their mysterious behavior. If I find myself in a strategy session, I promote kindness and transparency. I am stubborn and predictable and naive. They have been warned.

Deceit and control have done so much damage, I watch for them in others but even more in myself. I am not the boss of you, even if it would save a little time and effort to let me pull your strings.

Having firmly decided I don’t want to take care of anyone for a while, I see that is not an option. Really, I don’t have to resign from caretaking as much as I need to remember to say “no” some of the time. Caring for people is a joy and a privilege and when it’s not, it’s a fun mystery to untangle.

Having other people care for me is unnerving and I guess that’s another fun mystery for later. Right now, the fewer, the merrier.

Love,
yermom

This is the place where I link to book info (4.3 stars! better than good!) and book status info which needs an update of its own. Don’t Eat Your Children will be available for pre order in 2024, and Harlot’s Last Laugh will be developing. I’m sorry about that. It’s a full time job having my full time job these days.

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