askyermom

There are no toxic people, just toxic childhoods.

You can argue with me on this if you want to, but you’ll be wasting your time. I am completely convinced this is true. It’s not only true, I think it’s pretty helpful.

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Sometimes it’s a matter of safety to make the determination that a person is toxic and then vanish. Often, though, the person is not toxic but merely demanding or inconvenient. When you really examine what is going on, they are not representing poison to anyone and everyone. To you they are bothersome, maybe very bothersome, but they are not universally so, like an actual barrel of uranium.

It’s more comfortable for us to point a finger and assume the other person is bad or defective or toxic so we can move along. For this discussion we’ll just leave it at that. Probably. Branding people is something we do as a convenient short cut, like using our feet to remove our shoes, saving seconds of effort until we land on our face.

There are any number of reasons you might opt to stick around near someone who is mistreating you and none of the reasons are good. It is very unlikely you can help them or fix them or save them. Their cooperation is key to all of the rescue options and they have to cooperate if you are going to gain any understanding of their toxicity. The folks most molded by toxicity are not cooperative, naturally.

If you have to stay because you are trapped by rules or money or uncontrollable circumstances, like being eight years old, really leaving isn’t a real option. You may have only mental vacations for a few more years, but don’t forget to speak up for yourself whenever you safely can. Other people might be able to help you.

Sticking around or being trapped with a destructive person is almost as common as spotting destructive people in the wild, so a pretty common experience, while not something you see every day in a free life.

Putting toxic childhoods front and center is a perspective I have reached after a whole boatload of work on my relationship (or lack thereof) with my mother. No one knows exactly what torqued her psyche. Something caused her to have an informal diagnosis of evil. Multiple personalities fought for the stage, particularly at the end of her life.

As far as I know, she never consulted a psychiatrist, since she preferred counselors she could persuade with her charm. Medical folks were curious and asked me about the non-existent bi-polar findings, since she swerved wildly and reacted unpredictably to every measure.

She and I had a couple of frank conversations toward the end of her life. I asked her if she had been traumatized as a child and her answer surprised me. While I was braced for a tale of abuse, instead she said an uncle dropped her on her head as a toddler. It was an accident, but she speculated in a matter of fact way that alcohol was a factor. Good guess with our clan.

I have decided that this is the best theory. Frontal lobe injury could account for a lot. She was impulsive and volatile and used her impressive brain power to justify wild emotional capers.

It doesn’t let her off the hook to view it this way, she still had plenty of choices where she chose cruelty.

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Generally, we don’t get a positive result from asking people, “What’s your problem?” but if you can conversationally ask, “Do you think you had any childhood trauma?” the answers could be surprising and possibly helpful.

What does it matter if the people are toxic or their childhoods are toxic? It has mattered a great deal to me in my access to forgiveness. When I accepted that the other person was just going to do whatever they wanted AND accepted that their compass was randomly spinning, I was free. I didn’t have to solve them or fix them. It wasn’t up to me.

It’s like someone else put a rhinoceros in a barn and all hell is breaking loose. It’s not my fault, not the rhinoceros’ fault or the barn’s fault–it’s just a bad sideshow and pretty unpleasant for the rhinoceros, too.

Love,
yermom

Don’t Eat Your Children will be available mere months from now, and UHOOB is still selling like hotcakes, if not very lively hotcakes. There’s a kindle version for people who read that way.

In other, other news, I am offering coaching for people who are tired of their own complaints and ready to plan their next big move, especially moms who are wondering what they are going to do with new found space and time. Yes, I am actually certified. Yes, I can help. The most common feedback I get is, “Wow, that actually helped me a lot.” You can join the ranks of surprised people whenever you’re ready to schedule the call!!