askyermom

I have not been much use as a driving teacher, and I’m fine with that. The only way I was ever able to ride along with a new driver was with some sedation–for me of course. Many parents find a way to cope with this legitimately terrifying prospect, while many are like me and feel really okay with paying a driving instructor instead.

More than one kid has sternly told me that this is my duty and I remind them that in this way, I’m choosing to be Amish. This is a lie, naturally, as I am also very afraid of horses and carriages.

Being afraid of cars and horses and carriages and boats and really any conveyance that is more complex than one’s own two feet is entirely reasonable. Bad things happen with tremendous speed when we are traveling at tremendous speed.

I’m not proud of my fear, but I am also unwilling to tamp it down and be brave about driving lessons. I could put that energy into any number of other worthy endeavors, including writing about it instead of actually doing it. It’s like doing electrical work on ladders; simply something that is outside of my qualifications and ambitions.

I do have tips for new drivers, although I cannot tell you at what point they cross over into being seasoned drivers. Let’s leave that to insurance companies and call it ten years.

So, in the first ten years, I suggest you get comfortable with the following:

Drive as if the car in front of you is on fire. Some will say leave a car length for every 10 miles per hour of speed. This is useless if you can’t judge distances well or if you are into kilometers, so let’s just say: Drive as if the car in front of you is on fire, because some day it will be. If you leave a truck length between you at all times, it gives you time to react to whatever shenanigans occur–and they will occur. A sofa will fall off of something, or a truckload of penguins will spill. It’s just a law of roadways.

No missed turn is worthy of chaos. I have seen cars backing up on ramps, many times. That ramp is not taking you to some big crushing machine, but the backing up very well might. When you decide to suddenly swerve and let your embarrassment drive the car, you are putting everyone at risk

No sudden moves. Traffic safety is totally dependent on predictability. Everyone is sleep-driving. It doesn’t seem possible when you are learning, but before you know it, you will be able to obsess about shoe shopping or any number of things while you are actively driving a car. This means that you are semi-conscious, but so is everyone else. They are not thinking about how likely you are to veer into their lane or abruptly open your doors. The ability to predict what will happen next keeps everyone safer and it takes time to develop the prediction ability.

As soon as you become confident, you are too confident. You can become a professional driver and still lack experience of the tremendous variety of ways other drivers will try to kill you, without even trying. Even once you have the experience, you can get rusty and forget, so always assume you could be more alert and strive for a bit more alertness.

Stay hydrated. Your alertness is improved when you all fully plumped up with fluid other than coffee. If you discover that you need to pee, it only improves the clarity of your mission. You will make it, I bet. If you make note of all the bathrooms you encounter on your travels, it will embolden you to tank up and move about with confidence, just not too much confidence.

Remember, you will pee if you crash. I have stopped at several accidents to help, and everyone pees their pants, not because I am there but because it’s a way our body responds to sudden and extremely forceful calamity. It’s fine. It’s just another reason not to crash.

You may never crash, but you will be in a collision someday. Even being mostly safe and careful in my driving career, I have been hit by others at least four times in entirely unpredictable and unpreventable ways. I don’t remember if I peed, but I know I was furious. Be ready to wrestle with your own rage when it happens. You may as well rage at the stop lights for all the good that rage will do.

You can do this. It’s often harder to work out how to pay for a car than how to drive a car. Maybe just skip the whole thing and live in a town that has plenty of ways to get around without a car. Around here, we are taught that cars are freedom and they certainly feel like freedom until you get the bills. My little car costs $7000 per year to run legally, and that’s below average, according to the Bureau of Transportation Statistics. That’s $28 per work day, according to me.

I’m sorry I can’t teach you in person, but nowadays I would be just like Gramma was and shriek the entire time. And no, I will not go if you wear earmuffs.

Love,
yermom

This is the place where I link to book info, yes it’s on amazon, and I should mention my book status info, which is obviously wrong because Harlot’s Last Laugh can’t be coming out in 2023. Time happens!!

Please contribute if you enjoy this junk because YOU are the one who keeps the lights on. Thank you!!