askyermom

Every place we’ve lived has had an Animal Control Department. This is an old-fashioned modern concept. For the modern-modern citizen, there are Animal Rescues and Wildlife Removals and the word control is rightly being pushed out of the way we talk about Animal Control. I say it’s right because we have no real control when it comes to animals.

If we don’t have experts to call, we have to rely on some random relative or neighbor for assistance when a bear or a hyena shows an interest in our home. They might tell you to “act casual” when a bear comes in, but that may not help if the bear is hungry and you smell like meat. In that situation, you are just casual meat that got bad advice.

Our family stayed in a mountain cabin a few years ago where bear sightings were part of the local charm. I struggled with the worry that a bear could easily saunter in if we left the many screened doors open. I realize now that I gave zero thought to what to do if a bear intrusion actually happened.

Step one: Panic. That’s all I had in mind.

People have always worried about stray animals wrecking their vacations. Whole mythologies have been built on it. Wolves ruining camping trips and hippos flipping boats have legendary status for good reason. Not only is that helpless feeling unpleasant, it creates one of the most memorable events possible when that helpless feeling actually leads to a helpless situation.

Nothing makes people feel less helpless than having someone to call upon, so that helplessness is met with helpfulness. There are very helpful and potentially therapeutic bigfoot hotlines for this very reason. If you’re worried, you can call somebody instead of stewing on it alone. Even people who don’t like to make phone calls will call for help if there’s an animal problem.

Once we are afraid of critters, we see critters everywhere. There is a hundred to one ratio of bear sightings to actual bears around Baltimore. That may be hyperbole, but it’s probably correct in spirit. If you don’t already trust me to speculate for you, I just don’t know what else to tell you.

There are supposed to be 2000 bears in Maryland right now and because we are a nervous people, I would wager that there are easily 200,000 cans of bear spray in circulation. Likely it’s a lot more because there is interest in recycling and buyback programs. We don’t want buyback programs for a couple of cans.

I suggest you sell your bear spray if you can. Don’t buy it in advance when you are adventuring by plane. You can’t fly with it and you’ll find most rental cabins have a glut from all the previous adventurers. Bear spray is for amateurs, anyhow. Do you know how to really prevent bear attacks? Don’t go to Alaska!! Most bear attacks happen there, so just don’t go and the odds are in your favor.

When I was a kid, we didn’t worry about bears, but we had a dog pack in the nearby suburban forest. Having a dog catcher was a matter of public health, but if we had one, I guess they were lazy. I saw the dog pack a few times, and was only afraid because I had been warned and told to be afraid of the dogs. I have never seen two dozen dogs together since, not even in the doggie daycare.

When I was bitten by a stray, there was fear for everyone involved. This was very bad news for the stray as he had to be tested for rabies. No one told me what that meant, but it was actually the worst news for the stray regardless of the test results. Even more than fifty years later, the test for rabies can only be done post mortem.

Some people have survived rabies through an induced coma, but brain damage is never a picnic, and it will always be a good idea to avoid unfamiliar or wild animals who are unnaturally interested in getting close to you.

I’m pretty sure that no one has prioritized finding ways to save dogs that bite. But now that the overwhelming majority of domestic mammals get their rabies vaccinations, it should be a tremendously rare event. Even more rare still is the occasional rabid horse. Don’t even think about that one. They can be infected by wild animals and wild animals around here are still very vulnerable; raccoons are pretty much screwed.

I did not have rabies, which was nice. My uncle looked after me, which was also very nice, but it was also the first time I ever fainted and the first time I was involved in purposeful animal destruction.

It’s surprising I went on to have no fear of dogs and dogs still had no fear of me. We should both have been more cautious after all that.

People get very confused and passionate about animals and what should be done. This is why it’s important to have people who actually study and know what to do who also know how to talk to people about animals. Some people have to be reminded why it’s a bad plan to kill everything that worries them.

It’s unfortunate that I have only discussed rats and mice with the exterminator, but that tells you where my motivations are. Sure, he thought it was cute that yersis compared rats with squirrels, but given the choice, I don’t want any of them in my house, including the exterminator.

I keep all the critters out with my celebration of the autumn–stuffing steel wool in any tiny holes I can find and dumping gravel in the burrows by the wall. We don’t leave food around for the bears or hyenas and so far that has paid off.

We need animal control or wildlife management as long as we are afraid of animals in our spaces, so I suppose we’ll need it as long as we have animals. Everybody is afraid of something with claws and gnaws.

Knowing we can’t control all of nature is the real animal control.

Love,
yermom

Should I call the bigfoot hotline? I’m game! What would you want me to ask?

This is the place where I link to book info (4.3 stars! better than good!) and book status info which needs an update of its own. Don’t Eat Your Children might cross the finish line in 2023, but Harlot’s Last Laugh definitely will not. I’m sorry about that. It’s a full time job having my full time job these days.

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